When Your Child Is the One Doing the Bullying | WarinHari
Bullying in Schools · Post 11 of 14
When Your Child Is the One Doing the Bullying
Few things sting a parent like the call saying your child has been hurting others. How you respond in the next few days matters more than you might think.
Most advice about bullying assumes your child is the one being harmed. But every child who bullies has parents too — and those parents are in one of the most influential positions of anyone involved, if they can get past the first, hard instinct.
The instinct to defend — and why to resist it
"Not my child" is a natural reaction and an unhelpful one. Denying, minimising, or blaming the other child teaches your child that the behaviour has no cost and that you'll shield them from accountability. Taking it seriously is the first act of good parenting here.
It doesn't make them a bad child
A child who bullies is not a villain — they're a child who has behaved badly and can learn to do otherwise. Keep the line clear between the behaviour (unacceptable) and the child (still loved, still capable of change). Shaming the child rarely changes the behaviour; addressing the behaviour does.
Look for the "why"
Bullying usually comes from somewhere. Ask, gently, what's underneath:
- Are they being bullied themselves, elsewhere?
- Are they chasing status or fitting in with a group?
- Are they copying behaviour they've seen at home, online, or on a screen?
- Are they struggling emotionally in a way that's coming out sideways?
The answer shapes the response — and often reveals a child who needs support, not just correction.
How to respond
- Stay calm; your regulation models the self-control you're asking for.
- Name the behaviour as clearly wrong, without attacking their character.
- Build empathy — help them genuinely picture the other child's experience.
- Require repair where it's possible and appropriate.
- Set fair, clear consequences.
- Address the underlying cause, and work with the school rather than against it.
What not to do
Don't meet aggression with aggression — harsh punishment or shouting models the very thing you're trying to stop. And don't explain it away. Both let the child off the real work of changing.
The bottom line
Discovering your child has bullied someone is not proof you've failed — it's an opening to teach something that will outlast the incident. Respond with calm seriousness and curiosity about the cause, and you can turn a low moment into a genuine turning point. At WarinHari, we work with families on both sides of these situations.
This article is general information, not legal or clinical advice. If a child may be at immediate risk, contact the emergency services without delay. Report a WarinHari or NMAA concern any time at report.warinhari.online.